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Rachel

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[Monday, June 9th, 2008 // 1:13pm]
i didnt get enough sleep at all. Hello weird survey.

yeah-uhCollapse )
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[Friday, August 17th, 2007 // 7:10pm]
I think my full-blown regret just set in.
Scrolling through my contact list in my phone was depressing. Everyone's gone, and i dont even call the people that are sticking around that much. I dont want to be sitting alone on a friday night, every friday, until people come back for fall break and shit like that. I can visit old teachers but only so much so it doesnt feel like i still go to high school. I'm signing up for contemporary classes soon but i mean other than that, what do i really have?
School, dance, and like 5 friends? Work as well, but barely.
I know it was mostly my own decision to stay here for another year, i just didnt think it would feel this way immediately. I thought the missing of my friends would come and go instead of just coming and staying. It's not like i expect people to feel sorry for me, i'm just not really sure about what i'm doing anymore. It seems like i graduated, and then i kind of lost my place. I dont have a set group of friends anymore, everyone i used to be able to just see around is gone, mostly to different states, nevermind a 20 minute drive or whatever.
I guess, what my main point is, i just dont know what to do with myself.
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[Thursday, April 27th, 2006 // 10:08pm]
rawrCollapse )
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[Wednesday, March 8th, 2006 // 11:26pm]
I can't wait up all night to tell you.
But i'm sorry, im just so sorry.
And i miss you alot.
and that's it..I just do.
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[Wednesday, November 16th, 2005 // 5:56pm]
im excited for my next art project. completely open. whatever material, size, color, or shape we want. I for one am doing photography. I want to do Allison and Aaron standing under the arch or having it in the background, something romantic like that. Probably a collage of some sort, on mat board or whatever i can scrape up at work. probably alot of extra cardboard from all the storage boxes or something.
by the way, i really love my job. like really. Too bad its only seasonal. But i think i want to apply to Kaldi's coffee after the musical ends.
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[Friday, October 28th, 2005 // 5:02pm]
and this is where i sigh, hang my head, and say
"wow im such an idiot. what the fuck."


the end.
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[Sunday, October 23rd, 2005 // 6:20pm]
i feel a slight tinge of regret on not going to my school production of the Miracle Worker. Is that a bad sign?
Yes...yes actually, i think it is. because
A.) i hate one of the main people acting in it
B.) what the fuck, this was supposed to be my i-hate-school year not doing anything school related
C.) i must be coming down with something.

i actually didnt get kicked in the ass at portfolio day. They uh, they liked my work.
Well like is putting it a little too strongly, they had some objections towards a few pieces. But honestly they liked most of my stuff. I got positive feedback and that just blew me out of the water.
Although i do have to work a little harder, just because i can never be personally satisfied. Just in future pieces, they said work more from life.
But life is so boring.
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For you. [Thursday, October 20th, 2005 // 10:12pm]
I never truly apoligized for everything.
im so sorry. Im so, incredibly sorry. For everything i put you through. The stress, the groundings. Making you take me home just because i was too young to drive and i was too intimidated to call my parents. Getting caught falling asleep at 2 a.m. Im sorry if i ever embarassed you. Im sorry if i ever made you feel unwanted. Im so sorry for making you upset. not a day goes by that i dont think about you. That i think about how things could have been right now if i had just been a better girlfriend to you. But i loved you so much, i just didnt know how to tell you or show you. I still love you so much. Its heart breaking how much i still care for you. Not just in a passion way, but you're a very dear friend to me as well. I miss being your best friend that was a girl. I never got to thank you for everything you've ever done for me. You bought me a freaking bass for my birthday and you tried to make the best of my night and you brought me to a friend's house for a bonfire cause i had just got back into town. I miss those times so much you have no idea. Sometimes i wonder if you still think about them as well. I dunno. Im not good at confrentation. I've just bottled up all these feelings because i dont want to make you uncomfortable. I always consider your reaction before mine. So, im really sorry for trying to defend myself and acting like a bitch. I know i "had the right to" but you know me, my guilt always catches up. I can never stay mad at you. I never could. Im glad things are starting to patch up. Im gonna miss you when you leave school. Its just not gonna be the same.
You might not read this, but i just dont know how to sum it all up to you in person without getting all emotional and shit.

-rachel.
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[Saturday, October 15th, 2005 // 12:23am]
all these problems on my mind
make it hard for me to think
there is no way i can stop
my poor brain is gonna pop
and i dont have a purpose,
scattered on the surface
i need to find some peace.

some goddamn peace instead of all this crying once in a while.
fuck.
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[Wednesday, October 5th, 2005 // 5:03pm]
the lonliest feeling ive had in a really long time hit me today when i kept being shimmied down the ticket line. and finally gave a very pretty (in a conventional sort of way) girl my check for $10, and bought a single ticket to the homecoming dance. Single. and it hit really hard.
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[Wednesday, September 28th, 2005 // 10:15pm]

suvey. alright.Collapse )

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[Saturday, September 24th, 2005 // 10:52pm]
im so angry with myself. I cant help it.
i feel like im wasting my life away. And it hurts.
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[Thursday, September 8th, 2005 // 3:41pm]
[ mood | anorexic ]

EVERYONE shut up about homecoming!
im single and i have no one to go with, dear god do i have to punch you in the face repeatedly?
Im sick of hearing about freshman planting a dozen roses in their date's lockers. I want roses. But im not going to get any....so fuck you all.

Except for leah, thats awesome that whatshisface likes you. oh snap.

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[Friday, September 2nd, 2005 // 3:20pm]
[ mood | oh SNAP ]

hey ladies
drop it down
just wanna see you touch the ground
dont be shy girl, go banaza
shake ya body like a belly danc-a

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[Monday, August 29th, 2005 // 3:42pm]
[ mood | busy ]

is it really that frowned upon if you hate someone so severely, or just loathe the ground they walk on so much that you could see yourself "accidentally" keying their car...and you dont even know them? I had that feeling about three times today. All to different people.
I would rather stick my foot up their ass than be any of their friends. ever.
And if i do see your car, i will not hesitate to roughly swing my heavy 6-book laden shoulder bag against the tail lights. bitch.

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[Thursday, August 25th, 2005 // 9:39pm]
[ mood | im fine, go away. ]

i think...i might take a crack at therapy.

not to be weird/morbid/emo, whatever you wish to label it. i just think i need someone who can really truly listen to me and help me and give me advice without being judgemental or anything. Bryant used to always help me with that. Maybe its time i ask him for some help.
I just cant go through another week like this, stalking around the school, unintentionally glaring at anyone who might pass by. I just have too much on my mind, im just always too tired to think straight. The only time i am completely at peace with everything is when im spacing out and drawing. Im not going to give up, im going to get help. Whether it be a doctor or just a concerned citizen.

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[Wednesday, August 10th, 2005 // 10:56pm]
[ mood | calm ]

Fuck yeah Mr. Laster put me in ecology in a snap. I walked into school this morning and a huge line was in front of the counselor's office but i signed onto Laster's clipboard and I only waited about 10 minutes just talking to Lloyd before i completely hopped the line and he printed out a new schedule for me. All the same classes, in all the same hours. I love you, mr. Laster. Not literally but...yes. Moving on, i also got lockers next to Hancock, Alex Fuchs, and mr. rick petty in the junior hall, and not the fuckin reject hallway, such was last year.
And come to think of it, work rocks my argyle knee socks. The people there dont take the "Nth degree" [now THAT'S hospitality!] rule seriously at all. They're all really nice about it being my first week, and all I have to worry about is memorizing the table order and numbers. Jessica is an S.A there so we talk alot. And im really not intimadated by the fact that I might be working some same shifts as Bryant. I guess i might be a little embarassed, but, I guess just focus on the customers. it'll be great. This year is really lookin up for me.

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[Sunday, August 7th, 2005 // 10:07pm]
[ mood | perplexed ]

i have a second interview for the old spaghetti factory tomorrow.

in your face applebees. In. your. face.

but this means i have to be all smiley-faced and outgoing tomorrow. Ugh. I'm not in the mood at alllll. But i need the money and it's better than selling myself to Hardees or somewhere.

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[Tuesday, August 2nd, 2005 // 12:06am]
[ mood | blegh. ]

Today....i bought school supplies. Christ what a slap in the face that was. Surrounded by screaming children wanting THAT EXACT My Little Pony folder. I cant deny that i was tempted myself, but instead of struggle for a fancy type, i went for the 15 cent red one. Much more practical. Got my annual 5 subject notebook, and two packs of mechanical pencils for only $3.49, oh boy! I figure that was enough to tide me over for a about a week without making me feel sick.
I'm getting very impatient for my Dell DJ to get here. Technically it's only been 1 business day to get it shipped out, but my dad ordered it 3 days ago. Dell is testing my patience. And i am not amused. I keep trying to track down the order but i cant get into his goddamn account. So i'm basically left in the dark until mr. USPS pulls up and i can dowload every song i own onto it.
Take that you iPod cult.

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[Monday, July 18th, 2005 // 9:56pm]
you know what I hate even more than milk?

SHITTY FRIENDS
AND BEING DITCHED.
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